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Get Lost, Millennials: Disney Isn’t For You

No magic for you!

If you’re on Facebook at all, then you have probably seen a rather angry article floating around about the evils of childless millennials taking over Disney world. The expletive-laced tirade stated,

“It pisses me off TO NO END!!!!! when I see CHILDLESS COUPLES WITHOUT AT DISNEY WORLD!!!!” as well as the exceptionally articulate, “People without CHILDREN need to be BANNED!!!!! Mothers with children should be allowed to skip ALL THE LINE!!!”

And you know what, sassy no-doubt sunburned mother of an impatient pretzel craving deviant?

I agree with you.

You, dear lady clearly in need of some therapy, have made some fantastic points. Disney and its variety of attractions are most certainly not meant for millennials or couples without children. (By the by, I’m terribly sorry my infertile womb disappointed you. To be fair, it’s been disappointing me for years. And here I was thinking the worst of it was the miscarriage. I’ve since recanted my statement and hereby declare your mouse-shaped pretzel debacle to be the clear winner in heartache.) One good look around Disney will clearly prove this anonymous crier’s point: Look to the expensive Dooney & Burke goods themed with cartoon characters and silhouettes of Minnie. Clearly those $100+ price tags were meant for your seven year old. The variety of food and adult bevies during the ever popular Food & Wine festival are 100% sans liquor, entirely child safe and pitched in such a way that no adult would ever dare crave them.

Maybe I’ve got the idea wrong, here. Maybe what she wanted was a section that was segregated, where parents with small, helpless, and clearly impatient children should be kept safe from the throngs of millennials and childless couples of any ages who paid the exact same amount for their admission as she did. (Personally, I support this idea. Please separate us from the parents with children. PLEASE.)

To be honest, I think that the premise isn’t drastic enough. Disney isn’t not just for “childless millennials,” but it also isn’t for children.

Disney is not for children.

In fact, I have a strong suspicion with a LOT of evidence that says Disney was never intended for humans at all. Everywhere you look there are anthropomorphic and stylized animals! Bears, pigs, tigers . . . Even a BEAST. There are houses for ducks, dogs, chipmunks, and I have personally danced with a fox and a rabbit. And none of this takes into account the sheer HOARDS OF MICE. I mean, THERE ARE MICE EVERYWHERE!!! You can’t go into a single portion of any park and not see something of a mouse. Symbols are even cleverly hidden throughout every park. Whether it was written by a previous civilization warning us of their evils, or some form of alien communication, or some sort of cult, I don’t know. But I do know this: IT IS EVERYWHERE. It is INFESTED, I tell you!

In the linked article above, author Johnny Oleksinski has even more faults to find with millennials: we choose to spend our money on things he doesn’t think are cultured:

“But another oft ignored problem with letting a kids brand control your adult life is the stupidity and culture ignorance it leads to. You’re skipping great films such as “Booksmart” and “The Farewell” to relive second grade. And your annual (or more, God help us) trip to Disney World costs as much — and more in some cases — than a trip to Europe, South America or Canada, where you would meet people different from yourself. People for whom the only color of the wind is see-through. Fanny-pack-less people.”

Yes, this “kids brand” is dangerous, everyone. They are really out to control our lives. And as someone who HAS traveled to 8 different countries, I have clearly let myself be duped, fallen for the wiles of The Mouse. HOW DARE I enjoy an environment where I feel safe to travel to as a woman by myself among well-kept venues and a variety of entertainment? HOW DARE I appreciate the imagination and childlike wonder while simultaneously being a higher educated, well trained, politically informed, worldly traveled, adult? CLEARLY I should have made my entertainment choices solely based on what others would consider “mature.” My error is grave, and I a BEG YOU not to repeat my sin.

IN FACT, I believe it is such an infectious malady that I believe it is necessary to point out these miscreants with a clear label, akin to the crimson “A” that adorned dear Hester in The Scarlet Letter. To that end, I present you with the perfect solution:

And if you, like me, want to warn other so that they do not catch your disease (I admit it is EXTREMELY CONTAGIOUS) you can pick yours up here in my shop in sizes XS-3X.

shop.ambertheblog.com

Please, PLEASE be careful out there.

"XOXO, Amber" in hand-styled script

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Are You Ready, Kids? SpongeBob SquarePants Makeup is Coming

hipdot x spongebob squarepants eye shadow palette open and closed on a teal background
Photo by HipDot

If you aren’t already on the email list for HipDot’s new upcoming palette release, you need to be. Get ready to celebrate some of the best of the 90’s with this colorful set of shades inspired by everyone’s favorite patty flipper, Spongebob Squarepants.

It isn’t out yet, but reviews of other HipDot products are promising. With their recent palettes really setting social media ablaze with bright pigments and glitter so thick you can see it from the heavens, I have to say, I am PUMPED about this release.

This palette boasts fifteen shades in tropical, watery hues inspired from the ragtag group of characters that live in Bikini Bottom. While the yellow is fairly evident (is anyone else excited for three yellow shades???) I think I can see where they get their inspiration for the rest of the palette. Can you imagine doing a LEWK based on the different characters? The shades are perfect for Gary.

What about everyone’s favorite money-grubbing claw daddy, Mr. Krabs??? (Don’t you even try to tell me that you didn’t want to eat a Krabby Patty.) Clancy Brown, you did a great job in Detroit: Become Human, but you’ll always be Mr. Krabs in my heart.

Of course, our clarinet-honking, ear-murdering, Frasier-watching octopod neighbor should not be left out. Just look at the shades “Bikini Bottom Blue” and “Angry Tentacles!”

Photo by HipDot

The swatch above shows the different pigments, but every single one has a glitter element to it. From looking at the pans, it looks like not every shade has glitter. This swatch must be layered, which brings up some questions: Is the glitter formula the same as some of their other palettes? (I hope so!) Did they make the glitter more sheer with the intent of layering? Or do we get a palette with the flexibility to have every shade glittery or matte based on layering??? Oh, the possibilities!

This palette makes a splash soon on July 17. Is this going to be something on your wishlist? What other characters looks does this palette inspire you to make? I can’t wait to snag it!

"XOXO, Amber" in hand-styled script
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No-Glue Pointed Elf Ears

There are a lot of reasons why you would pointed ears, and I don’t just mean dressing like an elf. What about hobbits, tieflings, vampires, orcs, gnomes, and so much more?! Maybe it’s just a fun way to spice up your DnD campaign. Of course, they also work for most elves, including the sort that bake cookies inside of a tree (seems like a safety violation but ok), assist Santa, or the fair folk of Rivendell.

Whenever I wear these ears, I get questions all the time about them. I thought it would be helpful to share with you how easy and cheap they are to use!

This post may contain affiliate links to help me pay to keep this blog on the web. For more on that, check here.

Me cosplaying as Lavellan from Dragon Age

The first time I wore them, people were so curious. Many even asked if they could touch them! (That might seem weird to you non-cosplayer types, but being able to feel the texture of something is really important if you plan on wearing it for several hours.) They are soft, flexible, and very lightweight. After wearing them to Ren Faire for several hours, I was not at all sore or irritated in any way. (I do have sensitive skin.)

The ears I used to start with are the CHILD’s size Legend of Zelda ears!

These ears are made of vinyl. While these ears are a pale flesh tone, you can paint or use makeup to change them to your needs. I’m making a (rather famous) blue Tiefling. Once I have them painted, I will update this post with more information on that. But keep in mind that since they are vinyl, you will need to use acrylic based paints for it to adhere.

Because they are also made for children, unless you are quite petite, you will need to do a little bit of (easy) modifications to get them to fit over your adult-sized ears. (And NO, I do NOT recommend the adult size! They are quite large and look comically huge. Unless you want comically huge.)

That’s what they look like when they are all packaged up. Right out the package, they look this:

Packaged above and opened below.

The pair below are the ones that I have slightly modified to better fit me. “But,” you say, “I see no difference!” To that I say, continue on!

Top: unmodified new out of package
Bottom: modified

The top pair are the brand new ones I just got out of the box. If you look at the back, you can see a slight difference. On the modified pair, I used a small pair of curved beauty scissors to trim the vinyl to increase the height of the opening. Oddly, the width on the right ear of the new pair is quite wide, but that doesn’t matter as much as getting the height correct. Always cut less than you think you need! You can always trim a bit more, but adding to it would be a huge pain.

That little flap is important. It’s what helps the ears stay on better. If you don’t plan on having a small piece of hair in front of the ears, this might not be an option for you. But once the hair is in place . . .

Ta-dah! Super easy, lightweight, and COMFORTABLE! I can even wear my glasses with them without any discomfort. They do cover the ear almost entirely, so while they do not obstruct your hearing, little things like your hair, glasses or hands that bump into the vinyl ears will be much louder. (Something to keep in mind if you have a headdress with hanging bits and bobs.)

So there you have it! Easy elf ears without glue, around $10, and comfortable, too. You can’t get much better than that!

Here’s the link again to buy them->https://amzn.to/2ItpUeo

Good luck!

"XOXO, Amber" in hand-styled script